___We’ve all heard the stories about all the happily married couples who met through online dating sites.
I don’t know what your experience has been, but I don’t buy it. Because all online dating sites, regardless of the algorithms, gimmicks, or “science,” are more like Facebook than real life.
And there’s a good reason you’re not already meeting these people in person. After taking a 99-day break from my FB habit, I’m happier and more productive.
The people you encounter during your daily routine, when you are out and about and doing the things that are important and fun to you, tend to be people with whom you share common interests. I’ve dipped back in a little, but no more hours socializing.
Put another way, you’re more likely to meet an animal lover at the zoo, an art appreciator at the museum, or a wine enthusiast at a tasting than you are to find these kindred spirits in cyberspace. Profiles on Facebook or OK Cupid are generally similar.
So I’m bored on a week night and have some unscheduled time. You choose and carefully crop your most flattering pictures, list your best accomplishments and leave out your failures, and make note of your endearing quirks.
For more of us, it casts over dating a level of indifference, one that ultimately yields less action.
"With so many options, there is a lot of apathy," said Leah, 26.
While "an extensive array of options can at first seem highly appealing to consumers," concluded the researchers, it might actually reduce their subsequent motivation to buy the product.
And her persistence in getting back together again the next day. I thought I was listening well, responding well, and behaving well. But I could only make those assumptions about myself and my own thinking. She admitted to being an introvert, and I initially thought, “Oh, that’ll be interesting, to see how I am in relationship to an introvert.”And even in the real world, with all of our faculties between us, the miss between us was something deeper.
While she was sharing a lot about life and asking a lot of questions about me, she wasn’t really lighting up. After three meetings and the promise of an actual “date” for the weekend ahead, I was feeling good and yet still mixed. ”The next morning, she pinged me saying she’d considered our time together and felt it wasn’t going to be a match for her. And she would catch up with me spontaneously as the occasion might arise in the future. I had been feeling the miss, but I was trying to force it to be a match. And that’s when I understood it was time to kill my online dating profiles. My focus has gotten lost in all this browsing, assessing, and pursuit. But first, I must become the great lover I hope to meet, by becoming large enough to call her in, without the help of a dating site.
According to The researchers presented grocery store shoppers with six jam samples on one table, and 24 jam samples on another.
Twenty percent more customers were drawn to the table with 24 choices.
I walked away from our last meeting wondering, “Am I the one pushing this one along? What I really need to pursue is my dream and my creative output. And if I want to meet a match, I need to put myself and my life in the places where “she” already is.
I am confident that if I do that, the rest will follow.
There’s a reason that an extroverted creative type like me isn’t going to naturally run across an introverted mathematician. We call it social media, but it’s becoming more just media media. Online dating may also seem like a worthy activity, especially if you’re seeking companionship.
It’s because we have so little in common, virtually zero overlap. They’re showing you approximately 8% of your friend’s status updates and messages. But the illusion created by social media makes us think we have a pretty good idea of who these “potentials” say they are, and what they look like today, while in truth we don’t.
That feeling of too many choices can be diagnosed, almost perfectly, by psychology's famous "paradox of choice." There's a scientific reason that modern dating can feel so exasperating.
We have so many choices that we can't feel satisfied about our choices — or choose at all.